My
Dear Ashok,
Today is a very important day in yours and dear Komal's
life. Some thirty-four years back, in the very same month of June, a similar
important day had once dawned in my own and your Suniti auntie's life. So, on this
very happy occasion, based on my own
experience of the last 34 years, I would like to give you a few words of advice on the important subject of
“marriage” though, as a matter of
fact, I have often advised others to refrain from giving such advice to anyone
on this very delicate subject. All the same, I would like to share with you
some ‘trade secrets’ for a successful
married life. In this regard, it may be well to remember what Oscar
Wilde had to say: " A Perfect marriage is based on perfect
mutual misunderstandings! "
Thus, the success or otherwise of a marriaqe depends totally
on complete, mutual misunderstanding between the husband and wife. To take my own example, from the day we got married to this
day, Sunita nurtures this misconception about me that I am a thoroughly disorganized person! Now, it's true that on my wedding day
when I sat down to
sign the marriage register, I did land right on the top of the Registrar's hat!! But then, at least I didn't find any substantial
difference in the condition of the hat before or after the act. Once I happened
to squat
on someone's eyeglasses; but, a mere recollection of the then state of my
pajama and my own plight, when the shattered pieces of glass had pierced a most
‘unearthly’ spot in the rear, makes me perspire
profusely at the very same place even to this day. Well, let bygones be bygones. The point to be
noted is that, to this day Sunita has maintained her mistaken opinion about me
intact. Therefore, whenever I travel I always make it a point to forget without
fail to get back all such otherwise forgettable personal effects as pajamas,
bath towel, soap etc. Then, rather than being
sorry at my personal loss, my wife is all too pleased because her pet theory
that I am such a disorderly dunce has
been proved right after all. Now, being a doctor dear Komal may someday,
perhaps, think that you're not taking good
care of your own health. If so, you should try to maintain that 'misconception' at all costs. Even though you may
consider yourself to be in robust health, please note that from the feminine point of view, which no
male has ever been able to fathom, yours is a very special case! So, if your wife thinks that
you are too careless about your own health or that you worry too much about your work day and night, then help reinforce that belief by periodic sneezing
or coughing and faithfully swallowing any pill that she may dole out. Please remember, as per the candid opinion of
a physiotherapist friend of mine married to a lady doctor, a pill from a
physician wife is any day safer than her "Sambar" and tastier too! Well, for next six months, I should
not venture anywhere near Jaslok Hospital!! Now, a word of caution: Make
sure that there is no young lady around when you cough or, even as much as, clear
your throat. For, if you have been careless, you should be prepared to face the
consequences with such inconvenient questions as: "Come on, tell the truth. Just who was that signal meant
for?" So, just be careful while you are perpetuating your wife’s
misgivings. (By the way, the word 'young' denotes now-a-days any age up to
57 or 58 years! You will know what I mean, if you just take a roundabout on Carmichael
Road. )
In married life, there is
no greater bliss than when the husband has no convictions of his own especially regarding worldly matters. You may beg
to differ with your spouse on such topics as Khomeini, Sadat, Moche Dayan or OPEC; but, you will have to take her word
for it on questions like "Which is better, stuffed Pomphret or fried fish?" Beware,
you don't pass any indiscreet remark on "Karwari" food, though.
Especially, be careful to pay proper
respect to anyone having "Rao" as his/her last name. You never know
which Rao will turn out to be a
member of the "Bride's" Kinship! I will tell you why I always speak so
high about Rabindranathji: it's only
because his last name was "Thakore"! For similar reasons, you
should be a little more careful about a surname like "Borkar".
In married life, you must be very careful about little
things such as the words you use; else, sometimes you may have to
eat them along with what stuff your wife cooks for you (from which there is no escape, anyway). For instance, never say:" I too could
become a doctor, if I wanted to". On the contrary, say
"My Goodness, I could never have become a doctor! It calls for a different
class of genius like yours." Say this
to your spouse once a month on the payday; then, there's likelihood of the shopping being
cancelled in the ensuing happiness. Also, you must be very careful when you
talk about the Medical
Profession. Remember when you are only one against three at home, your knowledge of Karate is not
going to be of much help. With Karate
you may be able to break bricks, but not staunch opinions.
So, avoid expressing your own views on medical
profession. Similarly, it’s best not to utter a word at home about your realm
of "Technology". If anyone from wife's side does ask how
things are going on at work, then simply throw around a few words of technical jargon (But, make sure beforehand that
the person concerned is not from your own profession!) Then, their impression that
you are among the top five scientists in your field will be confirmed
and the thought that you are the real diamond in "Diamond
Shamrock", while all others are either just "sham" or dumb
"rock" will be further enhanced
ensuring even more respect at home.
Do not forget that since Komal has come into
your life, the strength of the female constituency in your
household has increased by one. As now dear Bharat's stay in the U.S is
prolonging for some unknown reason, in the present ‘government’ it's just
you and my friend, Baburao (Chairman, Shenvi Co-operative Bank) against the combined
strength of Malati, Punni and Komal. So, remember, at least for the time being it’s
the "Hand" that rules the roost. Instead of unnecessarily opposing "constant
shopping" every time, welcome it with such encouraging words as "Bravo!",
"Great!" or "Oh Wonderful!" etc. When going out, remember that for
a very formal question from wife, like
"Shall I wear this saree, Dear?", no answer is usually expected. Although
grammatically speaking it may be a question, in domestic grammar it is considered to be a
Firm Statement: "I am going to wear this saree tonight". Respond to that question by acting as if you are closely
scrutinizing the saree and then, depending on the situation, make some such
loud sounds as "Wow!", "Hmmm"
or "Yes! Yes, Very Good!" or at the most "Fantastic Idea!".
Alternatively, you may resort to such dialogues as:" Oh,
you are wearing this one? Great!" But, for heaven's sake, even if you feel
like it please desist from uttering words like: "Wear any damn thing, I
say. Who's going to see it, anyway?" In this respect,
you must follow the ideal example of the President of India. The moment he
receives a suggestion from the P.M he
promptly writes ‘agreed’ and signs it. I think this same sane policy of our President should
be generally adopted by all husbands. Thus, when going out for a party you must
say on the other hand, "Which Bush
shirt shall I wear tonight, Dear? Your choice is always First Class!" Make
sure, however, that she doesn't catch on
to the implied meaning behind your statement that her choice is always better
than yours. Else, you will hear those good old words as ancient as the Vedas: "I know what you mean", generally followed by the monosyllabic
‘don’tno’ in response to every question.
Finally,
a very important thing. Never forget your wife's birthday. It doesn’t matter if
you forget to put on trousers once in a way while going to office, but there's no
excuse what-so-ever
for the great crime of forgetting one's own wife's birthday. Many a faithful husband
celebrates the spouse's birthday in various
ingenious ways – some even give a rare, expensive present; but, there is
nothing so rare a present as the husband’s absence in office on the auspicious day. Now, in the opinion of
an experienced husband, just as you may gobble
onions religiously on the “Kande-Navami” day, even if you don’t relish them so much, so also you must persuade your wife to invite on her birthday all her
close relatives that you would not otherwise even like to meet on a
deserted island, some in the
afternoon and some for dinner at night. So,
now, the wife gets very pleased that you have taken leave to be with her at
home on her birthday. Also, as it’s her relatives who would be devouring the stuff, naturally she
will be busy cooking in the kitchen all day long. The house will be swarming
with her next of kin and their brats. So, keep all the glassware where the children can easily reach it. As the 'record
breaking" performance will be done by her brother's or sister's kids, rest assured the lady of the house will be on “mute”
for the rest of the day. However, you should not miss this opportunity to
intervene and say some appropriate words of consolation as: “Oh, never mind; they’re
just small children, you know. If they don’t play mischief, then who will?” Then, see to
it that all the breakable or ‘spillable’ items in the house are placed within reach of the in-laws’
children. However, don’t forget to mention that all electrical switches in the
room where you generally keep your tape recorder or CD
player etc give a terrific shock and keep the room locked. In other words, just don’t forget your wife’s
birthday irrespective of which
birthday it is and you may as well forget
all other advice I have given. A very intimate friend of mine, by name Triloksheth, once happened
to miss his wife's birthday. Well, let me relate that incident exactly as he told me. Listen.
"Saala, what to tell
you? Aarre, my wife's birthday, I just totally forgot! How she flared up!! Just don’t ask me, Saala. Straight
away no talk! When my Saali wife turns like this from ‘talkie’ into ‘silent movie’,
you know, I generally keep my bloody mouth shut. The way she got so mad
at me that, when I just asked her what we are having for breakfast, she just
threw her brand new dentures out of the window! I had paid that dentist,
Talpade, Saala, two thirty-five rupees through the nose for those damned
dentures. Now, Saala, all the thirty-two teeth are scattered all over Bhai Jeevanji Lane! And
the big joke is, Saala, she thinks that they were
my dentures! Meanwhile, my dentures are having a hearty laugh inside the glass
bowl!! To be on the safer side, I
immediately put them in my
mouth, Saala. Then, Saala, when I saw her 'toothless' mug for the first time, my
"tube-light" flashed at
once! Saala, that day was wife's fifty-eighth
birthday!! It was exactly on her fifty-second birthday that I had got
her those dentures from Dr. Talpade. Now,
right on her birthday she throws them out! Saala,
I didn't even know whether to wish her "Happy Birthday" or not.
So, I just put on my sandals, went out and to make her happy, I got her some
Laddoos, which she relishes most. But, that Saala, Dayaram Mithaiwaala, is another idiot. I had
warned him ten times to give me only soft Motichoor Laddoos, but the idiot puts
in my bag one dozen hard Boondi Laddoos! Without any teeth in her mouth, Saala,
how the hell do you expect my wife to eat
the stuff? And she thinks I brought the hard Boondi on purpose! Saala, let me tell you, when these wives talk
without teeth in the mouth, they sound so horrible and their sight is hundred times more horrible. You know what trick I have
played now? Below Saibaba's photograph, I
have now got my wife's birth date neatly carved in the wall with a nail. You
know how costly these dentures have become these days. Saala, what to
do? I am only idiot. Of all the stupid things, Saala, I had to forget my wife's
birthday!"
Well,
I should not take any more precious time of newlyweds like you. They say such a person either
becomes a Gurkha or a Doodh Bhaiyya in the next life. But, one who has
sincerely followed my advice shall not only lead a happy, married life but also
find general happiness in life, with such good fortune as getting fresh fish,
rice, sugar, wealth, children, school-admissions for children,
‘window-seats’ in the bus/train and also the telephone number as dialed. Amen.
Yours truly,
P.L Uncle and Sunita mavshi
P.S. :
I liked your novel idea of writing “ No Presents, please!” in the
invitation cards.
