Internet Humour: Password Jokes

  PASSWORD  JOKES 

( Courtsey :   Internet)

The Password

        Passwords have been around us since ancient times. We have all heard of Alibaba (of Arabian Nights fame) using the password ’Open Sesame’ to gain entry into the secret den, where the forty thieves stacked their stolen riches.  Since ages in the military, sentries have been challenging persons trying to enter prohibited areas to give the correct password before allowing them to proceed. Since recent years, we need a password for almost everything, whether it is to gain access to your mobile phone, satellite TV, e-mail or Facebook; to draw cash from your ATM account or for e-banking and even to read the morning newspaper on-line. In addition to the passwords, we senior citizens with our failing memories have to grapple with several ten-digit PINs(Personal Identification Numbers) to make various electronic transactions.

My first brush with password took place ages ago during my college days in the NCC Training Camp held at Sambra, near Belgaum. Once every week, we were assigned guard duty at the Camp Armoury, comprising several old .303 rifles, LMGs, TSMG’s and some hand-grenades.  There were eight of us in our platoon, who were deputed for guard duty that night. Each one of us was given a 303 rifle loaded with live bullets – or, at least, we were told so. We were expected to take turns standing there at the gate as a sentry for a two hour stint at night. If any intruder turned up, we were supposed to challenge him and let him to pass, if and only if, he gave the correct password; else, we must call out the others from inside the guard house, who would then come out running on the double to take positions all around the armory, with their rifles all ‘cocked’ and ready to shoot on orders.  We were told that at the end of the camp a trophy would be awarded to the Best Platoon on Guard Duty. So, we were expecting to see some real, tough competition from other participating colleges by way of surprise checks by their officers and ‘attacks’ by ‘enemy’ cadets or some sort of mischief during the night.

I got my turn at Sentry Duty a little past midnight. An hour or so after I had taken charge, the eerie silence of the night was broken suddenly by a distinct, rustling sound of leaves in the distance. Soon, as the sound increased steadily, I could see the headlights of a small, Fiat car heading in my direction. The car stopped some distance from the armoury in the shadows of a tree where the light from the street lamps could hardly reach it. I heard the car doors open and shut with a bang and then even in the dim moonlight, I could clearly make out the faint figure of a tall, hefty man as he stepped out of the car. “HALT!” I cried out with my hands trembling on the rifle. “Halt, who goes there? Friend or Foe.”  The man stopped in his track, but, did not reply. After a while, I repeated the question still getting no answer. I was slowly beginning to swelter in my uniform. I asked him again the same question for the third time and again got only a dead silence in response. There was not even a murmur of a reply from the obstinate man who was standing there frozen like a statue. “Say something, Man” I said at last in desperation “Look, dumb ass! We have orders to shoot if we don’t get a reply for more than three times. So, for Heaven’s sake, tell me if you are Friend or Foe.”

         At last, after some time, the man replied in a cool but subdued tone: “Foe!”  Now, even in my wildest dream, I had not expected that one for an answer! God, I could actually feel myself shivering in my pants!!  “What! Err….What did you say?” I asked, more to hide the sense of horror in my voice than to confirm. “Foe, I said.” said the man nonchalantly.

        God!  In case he had said “Friend” I would have known exactly how to proceed, because we had clear instructions that, in that case, we should ask the intruder to tell the password.  But, here was this guy telling me so blatantly that he was the ‘foe’ and I for one had no inkling of an idea as to what does one do in such a situation!  Well, there was nothing so suspicious about him either --- neither his  movements were stealthy nor did he carry any arms or weapons of any sort to lay claim to be the enemy!!  What on earth did he want? 

In my utter confusion and consternation, I blurted out: “Well, then, tell me the Password.”

“What password? Is the foe supposed to tell you the password?” replied the man, now sounding a bit indignant.

“Of course not! In any case, put your hands up and step forward --- and no dirty tricks, Mister.” I said pointing my rifle straight at him. I could somehow gather enough courage to speak that bit of dialogue from a war movie I had seen recently and I think it had the desired effect. For, instantly, he raised both his hands in an obedient manner and stepped out forward into the light where I could now clearly see his handsome features. He was a tall, well built man with a well trimmed, ‘handle-bar’ moustache.

“Do you know who I am, you stupid Nincompoop?” he bellowed haughtily.”I am Colonel Ukidway, your camp commandant! ”

“Oh! Oh, I’m so sorry, Sir. I really didn’t mean to ---- Well, I couldn’t recognize you in ‘mufti’, Sir. But, NINCOMPOOP is very correct, Sir --- that means you know the password, Sir!  Until a moment ago, I didn’t even know what it means!!  Please proceed Sir. I can’t stop you now!” I said lowering my rifle. “But,Sir! Sir, please hold on one minute. Sir, let me give you a ‘present arms’ first.”  So saying, I sprang smartly into the ‘attention’ posture and moved my right forearm upward bringing the rifle to a vertical position right in front of me close to my body and then, raising my right foot up to the waist level, I brought it back sharply on the ground clicking the shoe instep against the left heel. I then brought my left arm swiftly across the body to grip the rifle near its butt end with my fingers extended and thumb resting on top of the forefinger. For all this drill, the colonel merely gave a nod of acknowledgement to my salute and I continued with my profuse apology:

“I’m so sorry, Sir. It’s so dark out there, I really couldn’t see you clearly, Sir. ..But, where have you been all day, Sir?  Our Sergeant Major has been looking for you, Sir. He was saying the Blighter may turn-up anytime to-day for a surprise check!  Err --- Well, that’s what he was saying, Sir”.  

Since then, thank God, I didn’t have to deal with another Password until the coming of the electronic age, several years later, with its P.C, ATM and the like.

Our Favourite "Pu La"

P. L.  Deshpande (1919 - 2000)

"Pu La" : A favourite    personality 







Friends,

        Purushottam Laxman Deshpande (8 November 1919 – 12 June 2000), was a noted Marathi writer, who was affectionately known amongst his fans by his Marathi initials : पु. ल. ("Pu. La."). His was a multifaceted personality. Besides being an author, he was also an accomplished film and stage actor, music composer, harmonium player, singer and a great orator. He was an immensly popular and prolific writer, whose literary work was mainly in Marathi with poignant, witty and nearly philosophical humour, centered mostly around the common man from the lower middle class like a small grocer, clerk, school teacher or a music teacher. His writings include such humorous essays as  Chitale Master, Mhais, and Pestonjee; Life sketches like Vyakti and Valli (which got him Sahitya Academy Award); travelogues like Apurvai, Poorva Rang, Jaave Tyanchya Desha and three-act plays like Ammaldar, Tujhe Ahe Tujpashi , Sundar Mi Honar and Tee Fulrani . His plays and short stories were marked by his characteristic ending on a philosophical note with thought-provoking punchlines. In all his humorous works, while the first half of the play/story would be hilarious, making you roll with laughter with his special brand of humor, in the latter half towards the end, it would invariably take a serious turn with tender pathos, touching your heart to the core, almost bringing up a lump in your throat, if not tears in the eyes. On the stage, P.L. was a performer par excellence. His one-man shows introduced a new genre in Marathi theatre with Batatyachi Chaal, Asa Mee Asami, Waryavarchi Warat and Hasawinyacha Majha Dhanda . He had written the story or screen play, composed music, directed and acted in several Marathi and Hindi movies which include, among others, such famous ones as  Pudhache Paool , Doodh Bhat, Dewabappa, Gulacha Ganapati, Phool Aur Kaliyan, Aaj Aur Kal and many more. In the film Gulacha Ganapati, he played the lead role giving his best, typical 'P.L' performance. In recognition of his immense work, he won several National awards during his lifetime, some among them being Padma Bhushan, Sahitya Akademi Award, Sangeet Natak Award and Maharashtra Bhushan. 

P.L. Deshpande was a great philonthrophist having donated and participated in several social causes.

            Tenshops' Blog  has just completed one year of blogging; my first article "Satyamev Jayate" was published on July 20, 2012. Since then, I have published around twentyfour(24) articles. About 5135 persons around the world have viewed the Blog so far, of which 2135 persons are from India and 2100 persons from United States, the rest being from several other countries ranging from Russia to U.A.E! This is most gratifying for a budding author like me. 
                 Some years back, an old friend had forwarded to me, via e-mail, a copy of a letter in Marathi supposed to have been sent by Shri P.L. Deshpande to his close friend, Dr.Shrirang Adarkar, as a wedding gift for his son, Ashok. I found the letter to be written in a lighter vein with his characteristic humorous touch. I immediately proceeded  to translate it into English and showed it to several of my non-Maharashtrian friends, who found it very funny and thoroughly enjoyed reading it. The original letter in Marathi has now appeared in print in a recently published book, by name, "Gathode" which is published by M/s. Purchure Prakashan, Girgaon, Mumbai. I am now publishing it, here below, in this first anniversary issue of  "Tenshops' Blog", which is dedicated in the memory of our beloved "Pu. La".   

Vasant  Hattangadi

             

How to be Happy though Married

 P.L  Uncle’s  Advice  to Newlyweds  :

How to be Happy though Married

P. L.  Deshpande

(A free translation, by Vasant  Hattangadi, of the original letter in Marathi)

P.L. Deshpande,1, Roopali, 
777, Shivaji Nagar, 
Pune-4. 
June 8,1980

My  Dear Ashok,           

       Today is a very important day in yours and dear Komal's life. Some thirty-four years back, in the very same month of June, a similar important day had once dawned in my own and your Suniti auntie's life.  So, on this very happy occasion,  based on my own experience of the last 34 years, I would like to give you a few words of advice on the important subject of “marriage” though, as a matter of fact, I have often advised others to refrain from giving such advice to anyone on this very delicate subject. All the same, I would like to share with you some ‘trade secrets’ for a successful married life. In this regard, it may be well to remember what Oscar Wilde had to say: " A Perfect marriage is based on perfect mutual misunderstandings! " 

Thus, the success or otherwise of a marriaqe depends totally on complete, mutual misunderstanding between the husband and wife. To take my own example, from the day we got married to this day, Sunita nurtures this misconception about me that I am a thoroughly disorganized person! Now, it's true that on my wedding day when I sat down to sign the marriage register, I did land right on the top of the Registrar's hat!! But then, at least I didn't find any substantial difference in the condition of the hat before or after the act. Once I happened to squat on someone's eyeglasses; but, a mere recollection of the then state of my pajama and my own plight, when the shattered pieces of glass had pierced a most ‘unearthly’ spot in the rear, makes me perspire profusely at the very same place even to this day.  Well, let bygones be bygones. The point to be noted is that, to this day Sunita has maintained her mistaken opinion about me intact. Therefore, whenever I travel I always make it a point to forget without fail to get back all such otherwise forgettable personal effects as pajamas, bath towel, soap etc. Then, rather than being sorry at my personal loss, my wife is all too pleased because her pet theory that I am such a disorderly dunce has been proved right after all. Now, being a doctor dear Komal may someday, perhaps, think that you're not taking good care of your own health. If so, you should try to maintain that 'misconception' at all costs. Even though you may consider yourself to be in robust health, please note that from the feminine point of view, which no male has ever been able to fathom, yours is a very special case!  So, if your wife thinks that you are too careless about your own health or that you worry too much about your work day and night, then help reinforce that belief by periodic sneezing or coughing and faithfully swallowing any pill that she may dole out. Please remember, as per the candid opinion of a physiotherapist friend of mine married to a lady doctor, a pill from a physician wife is any day safer than her "Sambar" and tastier too! Well, for next six months, I should not venture anywhere near Jaslok Hospital!! Now, a word of caution: Make sure that there is no young lady around when you cough or, even as much as, clear your throat.  For, if you have been careless, you should be prepared to face the consequences with such inconvenient questions as: "Come on, tell the truth. Just who was that signal meant for?" So, just be careful while you are perpetuating your wife’s misgivings. (By the way, the word 'young' denotes now-a-days any age up to 57 or 58 years! You will know what I mean, if you just take a roundabout on Carmichael Road. )

         In married life, there is no greater bliss than when the husband has no convictions of his own especially regarding worldly matters. You may beg to differ with your spouse on such topics as Khomeini, Sadat, Moche Dayan or OPEC;  but, you will have to take her word for it on questions like "Which is better, stuffed Pomphret or fried fish?" Beware, you don't pass any indiscreet remark on "Karwari" food, though. Especially, be careful to pay proper respect to anyone having "Rao" as his/her last name. You never know which Rao will turn out to be a member of the "Bride's" Kinship! I will tell you why I always speak so high about Rabindranathji: it's only because his last name was "Thakore"!  For similar reasons, you should be a little more careful about a surname like "Borkar".

        In married life, you must be very careful about little things such as the words you use; else, sometimes you may have to eat them along with what stuff your wife cooks for you (from which there is no escape, anyway). For instance, never say:" I too could become a doctor, if I wanted to". On the contrary, say "My Goodness, I could never have become a doctor! It calls for a different class of genius like yours." Say this to your spouse once a month on the payday; then, there's likelihood of the shopping being cancelled in the ensuing happiness. Also, you must be very careful when you talk  about the Medical Profession. Remember when you are only one against three at home, your knowledge of Karate is not going to be of much help. With  Karate you may be able to break bricks, but not staunch opinions. So, avoid expressing your own views on medical profession. Similarly, it’s best not to utter a word at home about your realm of "Technology". If anyone from wife's side does ask how things are going on at work, then simply throw around a few words of technical jargon (But, make sure beforehand that the person concerned is not from your own profession!) Then, their impression that you are among the top five scientists in your field will be confirmed and the thought that you are the real diamond in "Diamond Shamrock", while all others are either just "sham" or dumb "rock" will be further enhanced  ensuring even more respect at home.

       Do not forget that since Komal has come into your life, the strength of the female constituency in your household has increased by one. As now dear Bharat's stay in the U.S is prolonging for some unknown reason, in the present ‘government’ it's just you and my friend, Baburao (Chairman, Shenvi Co-operative Bank) against the combined strength of Malati, Punni and Komal. So, remember, at least for the time being it’s the "Hand" that rules the roost. Instead of unnecessarily opposing "constant shopping" every time, welcome it with such encouraging words as "Bravo!", "Great!" or "Oh Wonderful!" etc. When going out, remember that for a very formal question from wife, like "Shall I wear this saree, Dear?", no answer is usually expected. Although grammatically speaking it may be a question, in domestic grammar it is considered to be a Firm Statement: "I am going to wear this saree tonight". Respond to that question by acting as if you are closely scrutinizing the saree and then, depending on the situation, make some such loud sounds as "Wow!", "Hmmm" or "Yes! Yes, Very Good!" or at the most "Fantastic Idea!".

      Alternatively, you may resort to such dialogues as:" Oh, you are wearing this one? Great!" But, for heaven's sake, even if you feel like it please desist from uttering words like: "Wear any damn thing, I say. Who's going to see it, anyway?"  In this respect, you must follow the ideal example of the President of India. The moment he receives a suggestion from the P.M he promptly writes ‘agreed’ and signs it. I think this same sane policy of our President should be generally adopted by all husbands. Thus, when going out for a party you must say on the other hand, "Which Bush shirt shall I wear tonight, Dear? Your choice is always First Class!" Make sure, however, that she doesn't catch on to the implied meaning behind your statement that her choice is always better than yours. Else, you will hear those good old words as ancient as the Vedas: "I  know what you mean", generally followed by the monosyllabic ‘don’tno’ in response to every question.

     Finally, a very important thing. Never forget your wife's birthday. It doesn’t matter if you forget to put on trousers once in a way while going to office, but there's no excuse what-so-ever for the great crime of forgetting one's own wife's birthday. Many a faithful husband celebrates the spouse's birthday in various ingenious ways – some even give a rare, expensive present; but, there is nothing so rare a present as the husband’s absence in office on the auspicious day. Now, in the opinion of an experienced husband, just as you may gobble onions religiously on the “Kande-Navami” day, even if you don’t relish them so much, so also you must persuade your wife to invite on her birthday all her close relatives that you would not otherwise even like to meet on a deserted island, some in the afternoon and some for dinner at night. So, now, the wife gets very pleased that you have taken leave to be with her at home on her birthday. Also, as it’s her relatives who would be devouring the stuff, naturally she will be busy cooking in the kitchen all day long. The house will be swarming with her next of kin and their brats. So, keep all the glassware where the children can easily reach it. As the 'record breaking" performance will be done by her brother's or sister's kids, rest assured the lady of the house will be on “mute” for the rest of the day. However, you should not miss this opportunity to intervene and say some appropriate words of consolation as: “Oh, never mind; they’re just small children, you know. If they don’t play mischief, then who will?” Then, see to it that all the breakable or ‘spillable’ items in the house are placed within reach of the in-laws’ children. However, don’t forget to mention that all electrical switches in the room where you generally keep your tape recorder or CD player etc give a terrific shock and keep the room locked. In other words, just don’t forget your wife’s birthday irrespective of which birthday it is and you may as well forget all other advice I have given. A very intimate friend of mine, by name Triloksheth, once happened to miss his wife's birthday. Well, let me relate that incident exactly as he told me. Listen.

           "Saala, what to tell you? Aarre, my wife's birthday, I just totally forgot!  How she flared up!! Just don’t ask me, Saala. Straight away no talk! When my Saali wife turns like this from ‘talkie’ into ‘silent movie’, you know, I generally keep my bloody mouth shut. The way she got so mad at me that, when I just asked her what we are having for breakfast, she just threw her brand new dentures out of the window! I had paid that dentist, Talpade, Saala, two thirty-five rupees through the nose for those damned dentures. Now, Saala, all the thirty-two teeth are scattered all over Bhai Jeevanji Lane! And the big joke is, Saala, she thinks that they were my dentures! Meanwhile, my dentures are having a hearty laugh inside the glass bowl!!  To be on the safer side, I immediately put them in my mouth, Saala. Then, Saala, when I saw her 'toothless' mug for the first time, my "tube-light" flashed at once!  Saala, that day was wife's fifty-eighth birthday!! It was exactly on her fifty-second birthday that I had got her those dentures from Dr. Talpade.  Now, right on her birthday she throws them out!   Saala, I didn't even know whether to wish her "Happy Birthday" or not. 

                So, I just put on my sandals, went out and to make her happy, I got her some Laddoos, which she relishes most. But, that Saala, Dayaram Mithaiwaala, is another idiot. I had warned him ten times to give me only soft Motichoor Laddoos, but the idiot puts in my bag one dozen hard Boondi Laddoos! Without any teeth in her mouth, Saala, how the hell do you expect my wife to eat the stuff? And she thinks I brought the hard Boondi on purpose!  Saala, let me tell you, when these wives talk without teeth in the mouth, they sound so horrible and their sight is  hundred times more horrible. You know what trick I have played now? Below Saibaba's photograph, I have now got my wife's birth date neatly carved in the wall with a nail. You know how costly these dentures have become these days. Saala, what to do? I am only idiot.  Of all the stupid things, Saala, I had to forget my wife's birthday!"  

      Well, I should not take any more precious time of newlyweds like you. They say such a person either becomes a Gurkha or a Doodh Bhaiyya in the next life. But, one who has sincerely followed my advice shall not only lead a happy, married life but also find general happiness in life, with such good fortune as getting fresh fish, rice, sugar, wealth, children, school-admissions for children, ‘window-seats’ in the bus/train and also the telephone number as dialed. Amen.

Yours truly,

P.L Uncle  and  Sunita mavshi

P.S. :  I liked your novel idea of writing “ No Presents, please!” in the invitation cards. 

Internet Humour : Travel Jokes

        Travel  Jokes       

A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.“This temple is 1503 years old”, replies the guide. Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure. “Easy”, replies the guide, “the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago”

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large”.

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, ” We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows”.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, “And what are those”?

The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, “Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas”? 

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. 

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. 

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." 

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States." 

Murphy's Travel Laws

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.
6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.
11. It always takes longer to get there than to get back.
12. If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.